My Bloody Fingertine

I feel that it is only proper to follow up my near caterpillar mastication post with some lovely pictures of my bloody finger. But it’s okay, because my blog jumped the shark a long time ago.

Once upon a Tuesday afternoon, I went down to get the mail...and of course, sliced the shit out of my finger with the lid of the United States Postal Service mailbox. I wonder if a little blood and a band aid is covered under workman's comp?

Let's go to the tapes...




The camera phone TOTALLY adds 10 pounds!

Crapperpillar Salad

This post is a sad attempt at optimism.

So I actually made myself dinner tonight. Amongst other things, this dinner included a salad made with organic baby greens in one of those containers from Trader Joe’s.

As I’m finishing my salad, to my horror, I spot the stiff carcass of a dead Cluster Caterpillar. And after spitting out everything that I possibly could out of my mouth and then gargling with water and a hardcore mouthful of Listerene, I spent the next half hour seriously resisting the urge to puke, all the while contemplating if this was the universe’s sick attempt at a vegetarian joke.

On the bright side, at least the caterpillar was whole.

Love At First "Are You 18?"

Is it possible to love someone you just met?

Because I definitely love the girl at Petco last night who thought I was eighteen.

Cosct-Oh No You Di’int

I love Costco. I really do. I mean, where else can you buy a tree house, a flat screen tv and a 20 pack of Cup O Noodles in one visit?

That’s great and all, but last night, Costco really pissed me off...not that that’s necessarily hard to do these days.

Anyway, after a long day of work, I schlepped to Costco to purchase two simple items: A cordless phone and a container of Folgers. Fighting off the urge to buy a piano, I grabbed my items, made my way towards the front of the store and parked myself in a lovely line that was sure to be at least fifteen minutes long.

When I finally got to the front, I said, “I need to put the phone on my American Express and I need to pay for the coffee with cash.” The cashier pointed to a little note by the cash register that read “One receipt per customer” and said, “I can’t do that, but I can give you a subtotal.” Then he babbled something about Coscto not wanting to have too many receipts.

When did having too many transactions become a bad thing? Hey, I’ll tell you what’s a bad thing, Coscto; not having a fucking express lane!

Anyway, I told the guy that I didn’t want the coffee because I wasn’t in the mood for subtotals; i.e. “take your subtotals and shove them up your ass.” And then in a real smart ass sort of way said, “So, basically you’re saying you can’t give me two receipts, but I can theoretically get right back in line and make another purchase?!”

Midvale School for the Gifted anyone?

Updating The Status

(This post is for The Sparkler...who lives in hope of updates.)

For no real reason, I decided to check my Friendster account this afternoon. Back in 2003, Friendster was more addicting than crack. Nowadays, it's the site I check once in a blue moon and have to constantly remind to stop sending me stupid e-mail reminders about birthdays for people who I'm no longer friends with.

Upon perusing Friendster, which apparently has made itself a lot less anonymously stalkable since my last log-in (boooo), I realized that it was high time to update my profile. And as of 2:32 this afternoon, I was freshly single in Friendster Land. Although technically, my status changed in July.

A few years ago, Robert and Reena decided that they were officially an item when they simultaneously updated their Friendster profiles to indicate "In A Relationship." Conversely, I updated mine to put the final nail in the coffin and electronically beat the dead horse that was my relationship.

Then it hit me. Modern technology has made it a lot easier to distinguish where you stand in today's world. It's practically evolved into a grandiose and high tech high school; lame drama and all. Only a lot more passive-aggressive.

Hey, wait...is that even possible?