Hey Freud, I've Got A Good One For You

Maybe one of the signs that I’m not as young as I used to be, besides the ongoing battle to hide the gray, is the fact that watching disturbing movies before going to bed seems to be filtering through into my dreams. Well, that, and life.

Take last night for example.

I had a strange and surreal dream of epic proportions. Most of the cameos and places were there for completely understandable subconscious reasons in relation to my life, but some of them were almost as random as the Potpourri category in Jeopardy.

Prime example: Why the fuck was Gary Coleman in flippers on a slip and slide laid over the San Francisco Bay? Perhaps I should start at the beginning.

Here, I lay all my subconscious psychological neuroses bare for all to see...

The dream begins with me hanging out at this small bar and Jenny Lewis is there. I’m not sure if she performed or not, but afterwards, she comes over to my table and we start making small talk. We make friends. As I’m driving home the next day, she gives me a call and we’re talking for a bit. She mentions that one of her roommates just moved out and there’s a room opening up. But, I already own a place in Sherman Oaks, so why would I want to move to Silver Lake and rent, I wonder? At that point the phone craps out.

Then I’m with my mom who asks me, “When are you going to lose some weight?” “Am I really that fat” I ask her. And she says, “Yes, you’re thick.” Thanks, Mom.

Next thing I know, I’m on the shores of the San Francisco Bay with about twenty other people my age and we’re all about to swim to Alcatraz and back. Did I mention that we had to do this in our clothes and that we were being timed?

The following thoughts pop into my head:

Am I on some sort of shitty MTV Road Rules/Real World challenge show?

Maybe I should change my shoes.

I probably shouldn’t swim with my iPod because it’ll get wet and die.

What am I supposed to think about while I’m swimming?

What if I don’t have the stamina to swim that much and I drown?

What happens to people who are deathly afraid of sharks?

A bit later, I overcome all these thoughts and run back into my place to change shoes. For some reason, I changed into my light green Converse One Stars that I haven’t had since 10th grade. As I’m walking down the stairs in my building, I find a one dollar bill, just as I see these two guys I knew from high school walking by me.

Once outside my building, I run into Harry Potter. We’re both sort of in a hurry to get back to the shore to start the swim. Then Harry goes on his merry way while I stop at this little coffee house to hand my grandmother my other pair of shoes. I kiss her on the cheek and then I’m back on the shore.

I’m on the sand and there’s this drill sergeant sending people out in groups of ten and splitting them up into Army vs. Marines. Oh, so this is a race? The sergeant marks my forehead with a piece of chalk as a Marine and sends me into the water. By this time, the sun is beginning to set and I’m wondering if this still such a good idea.

I run into the water and start swimming. Surprisingly, the water’s not that cold and I’m not that tired. That’s when I look over and see Gary Coleman in flippers “swimming” on a slip and slide laid over the water. I think to myself, “that’s cheating!” but then I realize, the dude can’t swim, so no big deal.

Eventually, I get to the Statue of Liberty. Why is there a Statue of Liberty in the San Francisco Bay? I have no idea. I get back into the water and continue my swim. I make it to Alcatraz in good time and start walking around the island. Unfortunately, Steven Spielberg is shooting a movie there and I have to walk all the way around the island just to get back into the water to start my trek back. This is definitely going to cut into my time.

As I get back into the water, it’s pitch black. There are no rescue boats around and I’m wondering if this is still such a great idea.

The End.